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Mar. 15th, 2012 @ 05:58 am Ami pix
Current Mood: scaredscared
Today I had a big freaking out again :( I really think I look old. From the front I look OKAY but from any other angle my face is gaunt, my cheeks are missing, and I think the lines on my face is just how little there's left on it :\

I KNOW people are reacting to me differently. Nobody really comments on how pretty I am anymore. Nobody even questions how old I am anymore. 2 years ago some people thought I was under 18, today nobody does. Have I aged that much in 2 years? :\

The thing is my friends all think they're helping by avoiding answering my questions, but they're not :\ I'm really bad at expressing myself and they often miss that I talk about how scared I am I've screwed up myself with my ED. I know I'm focused on my looks, but I just want an honest answer. What I want is people to answer the question of how old I look. If I look fat, or too thin. If I look gaunt. I don't want people to editorialize or to look out for me.

"You're beautiful no matter what." "Looks don't matter." "Age doesn't matter." "Old people are beautiful." or etc etc DOES NOT HELP. Because a) I know all this intellectual and b) that's not what I asked.

I'm not fishing for compliments, and I'm not asking mirror mirror on the wall :\ I want an HONEST answer. I am HOPING for a compliment, but I want to know :( I keep saying, but nobody seems to LISTEN to me, that I CANNOT TELL ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF ANYMORE! Part of this is when I SAY something people try to spare my feelings, or... shift my attention elsewhere, or they think talking about my looks will make it worse. Maybe they think I'm gorgeous but they're afraid telling me will make me obsess more or ED worse. But that's not their responsibility :(

I've said I'm gaunt in the past and people tell me I'm not. I've said some of my friends think I'm too thin, and tell me I'm not. I end up feeling like my ED can't be that bad, or that it's ineffective. That clearly all of this exercising is doing nothing :\ Or that I'm delusional! I say I look old and they say "there's nothing wrong with looking old!" I panic that I have lines on my face, that my ED has wrecked my looks. I don't articulate these things well :\ But I mean that not in a "omg I'm hideous" as much as "I think I look a lot worse than I did before" and I get "nobody can wreck your body" or "you're beautiful no matter what" or "all I see is an Ami."

That's not helping! I don't want this! I just want to know what I look like!? Should I be worried!? If I look REALLY SCARILY THIN I can USE THAT. I have in the past, where I've managed to make myself eat because I've told myself "your cheeks are gone, you have to eat SOMETHING or you will lose all cuteness". I think my hair is falling out again :\ My face used to look cute, now I think no wonder nobody cards me, I look 90. :\

I just want an honest answer. I trust my friends, I need to hang onto what they say, for better or for worse. If they tell me I'm pretty, I'll admit, I will feel better, but if they tell me I look gaunt, at least I know :\ Dodging the question just makes me feel I must either look so awful that nobody wants to tell me, or that I look fine, but people are trying to avoid boosting my ego, or making my ED worse, or whatever... I can't interpret NOTHING. And surely if I look REALLY bad people would panic right? But nobody has, they just keep giving me platitudes, so clearly I can't be that bad. BUT NOBODY WILL ANSWER ME!

Today somebody finally did :\ She told me my face does look gaunt and the lines are coming from how thin my face is now, that I look like her sister did during the worst of her ED.

I appreciated that. THAT'S what I want to hear :\ Even if your judgement is "You look 40, I'd seriously peg you for 40." I'll take it. At least I know, even if I don't know why (though it could be the ED). I would prefer more detail if it's that "you look 40 and it's because of how thin your face is". I know the usual things, lines, bags under my eyes, etc aren't there... so maybe it's that? I would handle it better if that...

I dunno :(

I think the other thing is a lot of my new friends have never seen what I looked like before. And they may think because I'm trans, that this is a good look for me. That they think this is as good as I can look, and wouldn't know. :\ I dunno :(

But today I came up from exercising, and looked in the mirror. Because it's been so cold and I am SO AFFECTED BY THE COLD now with my ED, I've been bundled up in giant layers. The only thing I saw was my face, but I saw myself in just a short halter and I thought "I look like an Escher Girl". I don't know if my mostly black hair is adding to how limp my face looks though. I think it is. It looks less vibrant than my blonde hair and seems to stick flatter against my face. Or is it that my hair is really unhealthy? (as I said, losing hair)

So I took a ton of pictures. As honest as I could make them, including my face at the most unflattering angles I can find. I want to... I need to know what I really look like. What does everybody outside see when I go out? I need to know :\ So... please... I want people to be honest (while being supportive and watching out for my feelings, in the... caring about me way but not the lying to me way I guess). Do I look pretty? :\ Do I look old? Am I too thin? What do I look like?

Thank you :\

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For comparison here are some pix from exactly 1 year ago. Keep in mind my hair is different, and the angle on my face is different and I never turn to the side.
Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket
This entry was originally posted at http://ami-angelwings.dreamwidth.org/3899.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
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scared
Aug. 13th, 2006 @ 03:07 am FRIENDS ONLY :D


Welcome to Ami's world! This journal is totally 100% FRIENDS ONLY.

Due to the nature of this journal, I'm a little picky of who I let in, so if I have no idea who you are, plz tell me. :)

Comment below and I'll friend you.

If you're coming from my old journal, still comment here. I dun check my info to see who's friended me and who hasn't XD

<3
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